When given the option of disappointing someone else or disappointing yourself, it is your duty to disappoint the latter. Does this statement make you feel uneasy? If so, you are most likely a people pleaser.
For many of us, especially women, pleasing others is our default mode. It’s difficult not to fall into this trap when you grow up in a society that encourages women to play small and be palatable to others, especially men. What’s the good news? People pleasing does not have to be a part of your future. By recognizing people-pleasing tendencies and understanding what causes them. You can make decisions that will change the course of your life.
What motivates people-pleasing behavior?
People-pleasing is often motivated by a lack of self-esteem or self-belief. People pleasers find it difficult to believe that others like them or want to spend time with them, so they believe they can keep them by being dependable, giving more of themselves, and always being available. This is typically formed during childhood or influenced by early experiences.
At a young age, you may have discovered that being subservient to others was a useful mechanism for appeasing an angry, overworked, or emotionally distant parent. Maybe you got approval as a girl for putting others before yourself. If you valued people-pleasing as a behavior back then. Chances are it’s your default mode of operation now. Also read How to Put Your Mental Health First
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The consequences of people-pleasing
Accepting that you will disappoint people in life is a big lesson. People-pleasing can cause you to neglect important aspects of your life. People-pleasers frequently disregard their own health, self-care, values, and opportunities to live an authentic and fulfilling life.
Underneath a veneer of ‘everything is fine,’ you may harbor resentment, anger, frustration, or sadness that we are not held in higher regard by others.
Identifying people-pleaser characteristics
It can be difficult to notice when you are in the people-pleasing mode if you are used to doing so. Going along with what other people want and not prioritizing your own needs in order to avoid being perceived as inconvenient is classic people-pleasing behavior.
Some useful examples of people-pleasing behavior and attitude. Do any of these actions strike a chord with you?
- Even though you’re tired and have an early start, you always offer to drive friends home after a night out.
- When your friends or partner tell you how they want to do things, you ‘go with the flow.’
- You’re throwing a birthday party, but instead of celebrating, you’re worried about everyone getting along and having a good time.
- Your boss tells you to work overtime, and your reaction shows that you’re pleased — even if it means changing plans you’d been looking forward to.
- You find it difficult to express your strong opinions or directly request that your needs, no matter how minor, be met.
- You get tired of being around people, and you find yourself doing things you don’t particularly enjoy.
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Stop trying to please everyone
People-pleasing does not have to be a permanent punishment. You can change your behavior by implementing strategies. This begins with determining whether you are a people pleaser. It is critical to be self-aware of your behavior and learn the situations in which you are prone to people-pleasing.
When you are self-aware of your behavior and what you would like to change, you can consciously choose to behave differently the next time it arises. Learn to say no and accept the discomfort of doing so for the first time. The first few times will be frightening, messy, and clumsy, but the only way to improve at setting boundaries is to keep doing so. Also read Is napping harmful to your health? Factors that Effect
